i won't let you give up on a miracle.

so, just to clarify.
i've decided to just brush off the whole situation.
derek means way too much to me
to keep dwelling on something that's dumb.
honestly, i'm not in the right place emotionally
to really evaluate this.
i reread my past blogs about our beginning.
and it's so sweet, and reminded me
about who i perceive him to be
and that he really is that person.
he does love and care about me and
doubting that... is not valid.
more than that, i need to have faith in God
that no matter what happens between derek and i,
He'll take care of me.

i don't want to make you my everything if i'm just your something

so, i don't know what it is lately,
but my mind is going crazy.

this morning, for some reason, made me question
my relationship with derek,
and all my relationships for that matter.
we were talking, like we usually do before his work.
and, because it's his birthday, i wanted to hang out with him,
even if it was just for a little bit.
[we did make plans for saturday; just to keep in mind]
but i knew that he was going to hang out with his mom
because he doesn't have work.
so, i just suggested if he wanted to,
he could come by on his way to see his mom
to my school and have lunch with me
since i have 30 minutes between my classes.
and he was like, nah, maybe some other time.
then i brought up the fact that he won't have this opportunity again.
and he said that i don't know that for sure
because he could drive over during his 1 hour break
(my place is 30 minutes from his work)
and hang out. and i said that i honestly and truly doubt
that he would risk being late for work just to spend just maybe two minutes with me
for a lunch break because he's not like that.
he doesn't do spontaneous things that would risk his job
because he needs his job to pay for school.

this made me realize that i feel like i give give give,
and sometimes i don't feel like i get back in return.
i make all the plans, i decide when's the best day to do things.
yes, derek makes the effort to see me every week,
even if it is just at church. BUT church is for worshipping God,
not for seeing your girlfriend.
he does do a lot for me in the sense of like buying me things.
but as the beatles said, can't buy me love.
sometimes i feel it and sometimes i don't.
and this has been a constant issue for me with him.
like, you can say it all you want,
but make me believe that you do.
make me believe that you really do love me.

my mom tells me sometimes that she can tell
that derek is making the effort to make our relationship work.
and then other times, she doesn't know
whether or not it's just an act. to be honest, i feel that too.
and my dad advocates for derek
and tells me that i can't expect him to be a dream guy all the time
because he's human and isn't perfect
and he's not going to be able to do everything i ask him to do.

it's his birthday tomorrow and at this point,
i kinda don't want to talk to him.
at least not anymore today.
i'm just really tired, emotionally.
like, i take beatings from pretty much everyone in my life for him.
for him being too old for me, for his mistakes, for my 'mistake' of being in a relationship.
and sometimes, especially times like this,
it makes me wonder if he's worth it.
i love him, really i do. i just want to be loved back.
does he really care about me? does he really love me?
or is it all a joke? do i not matter?
hopefully i'll just come to terms with it in my heart and mind
and with God and just get over it and continue with this relationship.
i would do pretty much anything for him.
why is it so hard for him to do the same for me?

i hate myself.

at least we made it this far.

so, i knew this day would come.
btw, its been a while since i've written on this thing.
but hey, if i can't talk to anyone about it,
might as well post it on the internet.
my mom basically hashed it out in front of me.
laid out all the things that she wants me to "think about".
going to a new school because i wasn't focused enough at the other one.
how things are going to be "different" now.
listed everything she's been noticing about derek that she is "warning" me about.
sad thing is: the things she listed, they're valid.
i HATE that she's right. because that makes me wonder if derek is good enough for me.
i don't like that. i want him to be.
if i was outside of the situation, i'd say that
just because i want him to be, doesn't mean that he is.
which SUCKS ass. and i don't like that.
someone (God or the other BAD one) is making me doubt.
total bullshit. but i love derek. this is hard. GAH.
that's all. goodbye and wish me luck.

now i lay me down to sleep, i pray my heart you choose to keep.

hello there :)

so, since i have the time
while i am waiting for derek to meet me at the library,
i shall update you on major events.

umm, derek met my family :)
he came to my church this past weekend.
i was superduper nervous the whole week leading up to it,
lol :) but it all went pretty smoothly.
clarification: there's nobody outside of people at school
and you two who know that we're dating.
technically, we like each other but are too busy
to engage in a full-on relationship at the moment.
honestly, if it weren't derek, i wouldn't want to be in a relationship.
i am superbusy, but i try to make time
for everyone as much as possible.
derek and my family are coming along
with me for the best buddies bowling event.
also, i think derek wants to come to my church all the time now.
i like that idea, just because we both need to spiritually grow,
we both want my family to have a good impression of derek,
and we want to spend time with one another.
derek and i are just killing all these birds with one stone.

umm, school is going pretty well.
i enjoy all my classes (unlike last semester,
when i almost killed myself. rawr).
reapplying for the nursing program.
life must go on. keep praying for that.

hope all is well with you two.
bestfriend: how are you and your bella-ish situation?
you know you can always text me (verizon unlimited).
miss d: i'm praying for you that you figure out what to do about that thing.
lol :) keep me updated.

shalom (hebrew-speaking Bible teacher. sue me).